it has taken me approx 4 years to actually get where i wanted.
“i am still learning this website thing, my advisor has actually been the one helping me and getting me through this really complicated time. all i really do is write and publish and he does everything else that i can’t figure out. trying to explain how to sort your “MAIL” through electronic folders has been a fucking nightmare.”
im not telling ya’ll ive made it to the very top but i am here telling you that i have made a few milestones. so about 3 years ago, i made a 5 year plan although it hasn’t really fallen through the way i expected but i know that plans dont work out because god has a better plan for you.
so 4 years ago i stopped doing drugs and drinking. i have gotten professional help and counseling and i see my doctors on a monthly basis to make sure my medication is working and i am okay. i have mentioned before my childhood was extremely difficult in previous blogs and i will not get into heavy details but i had a lot of fear growing up due to abuse and bullying. i suffer with depression and i have written about it, many of you know it’s something that i am really serious about. i have a difficult time making up my own mind so i expect others to do it for me which is something i am really working on because what’s the point of having your own thoughts if you’re caring about what others think.
4 years ago i made this plan.
- quit drinking and doing drugs
- get professional help on my mental state
- find my forever home
- find a job
- get a car
- continue my education
- love who i am
One thing i didn’t put down was eating better and losing weight. i got asked that question a lot. my plan was to focus on my soul and build myself up. it been my 5 year plan, it’s been 4 years.
4 YEARS! i still am working on myself because 13 years or so of suppressed issues and memories doesn’t take overnight to fix. i still have bumps and hurdles but i believe i am emotionally stronger to handle whatever comes my way. although i am a human and i do get overwhelmed with emotion at times, which can seem like all hell’s gonna break lose and the demon that is apart of me is gonna break through. No matter how “nice and innocent” i seem i can ruin your day or week. it’s never intentional.
my family and i have opened a family owned restaurant and we have big plans but i have been involved for the past 3 years and working has given me so much financial independence. it makes me feel good although it means my time with my friends and family is going to be slimmed less. i know i am doing the best i could and i know they support me.
People can talk about me and say whatever they want but i love who i am and i’ve struggled a long time to get where i am emotionally. being financially independent doesn’t mean i am better than anyone and it surely doesn’t give me power over anyone but i will not allow anyone to control me. i am emotionally independent and i am comfortable being alone.
being mentally healthy is important because once you’re mentally healthy and happy, it’s time to start something new. everyone works differently some go to the gym to feel emotionally healthier and it works for them. i don’t talk about anyones weight because i dont believe that defines you. i mean take care of yourself because your body is a home for your soul. it’s once you start really seeing how amazing you are, reality is a clear sky. drama and negative things pass you by but you always look with love and hope.
i continued my education and study psychology so that helped me understand life and my condition more and because of that, i won’t judge anyone for their reasons. During these years i have faded from some friendships and i dont have any regrets. i am happy to be on the suicide prevention team after months of going to mental health conferences! it can be tiring but its always so inspiring.
the day i quit drinking and doing drugs is APRIL 16 2012 and its when i start my new year. i hope to read your Feedback on your plans! we can achieve anything although it’s not going to be easy it will be worth it i promise.