versions of me

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My mother, my dad, my sister, my brother, my bestfriend and my enemy will all have different versions of me.

the most important version is the version you believe in.

i love writing, i love reading, i love listening to stories and i love seeing the creation. it doesn’t matter what creation i see, it can be a motor or a canvas piece, i would still have a million questions about it all. i like to know every detail and watch things intently. i want to know your thoughts, your feelings and your reactions not only to your craft but to everything. i want to know what you feel when someone upsets you and i want to hear how you felt during your embarrassing moments. i don’t know why but after every event, im the one asking “what did you think? you think of improvements? new ideas? what are you thinking now?” a million questions about your thoughts.

i am a chatterbox but i have to pace myself. sometimes when i talk i get so flustered and stumble what im trying to say.. that happens in writing too… my fingers dont move fast enough for my thoughts and when i talk, my thoughts aren’t slow enough for my words. get what i mean? so if im talking i will stop, rearrange and start again slowly. i enjoy deep conversations rather than small talk. everyone’s got some stories, i want to hear.

when i was younger i had a harder time expressing myself and trusting people and thats why i turned to music. music talked to me when i had no one to tell me i was okay because sometimes i didn’t exactly express myself in a good way. i would hear a song and it would say the things i needed to hear but it was loud and it gave me a feeling of freedom and understanding. when someone understands what you are going through you feel comfort and i needed comfort being a young teenager dealing things i didn’t understand. i get lost in music and sway with the rhythm and everything thats ever bothered me vanishes.

i have horrible social anxiety, im always afraid someones going to hurt me. when im in public, i’m just trying to keep calm while getting overwhelmed with a lot of people. In my head, im usually just praying i don’t fall or get stuck or lost or bumped. which is a weird fear. i guess i feel i have to explain myself because i know i dont seem approachable.

i know my version of me and i know my flaws.. i know the things i need to work on within myself and within my surroundings. i know who i am as a women and a mother. i know where i am as a partner and as a daughter in law. i know my place as a daughter to my father and to my mother. i know my loyalty is with my siblings and my courage is in my nieces and nephews but i have respect for EVERYONE and EVERYTHING. i am kind and i will never turn you away if you need someone to talk to. i will try my best to help you, all you need to do is ask. i want everyone to feel comfortable and safe especially in my presence. i wouldn’t want anyone to feel smaller, like they aren’t important. i want everyone to feel included because i’ve felt like a loser most of the time and i don’t want anyone else feeling left out.

when i say i know where i am as a partner, i mean it by i know him the way i believe i do and he the same way for me. i know my partners likes, dislikes, his loves and his pains. i know what makes him tick and i know what makes him happy. i know his flaws and his most treasured talents. i will keep his secrets and tell him whats what when he needs to hear it. as a partner, i will trust in his decisions and support him no matter what. Together we think of each other as WHOLE and that means we are all in this together. although i am important in his life and i know how much he loves me… i know i will never be above his mother but with all the respect to her in the world. she raised a hard working family man who will do anything for his family. i know my place as a daughter in law. mama is important. i understand that more than ever having boys of my own.. i understand being a women more because of my mother in law and i will give up the front seat for her every time. That doesn’t mean its a competition its not, its the fact that i have respect for this women who raised a wonderful man, to be a great husband and father. With that said i know my place and i am happy where i am.

my mother was a single parent most of my life, i watched her work, struggle and call around asking for help with rejections left and right but she never gave up no matter what happened. i saw she tried her best to put food on our table and clothing on our bodies. she cleaned our house and cooked our food with prayers. she showed me being solo isn’t scary or unknown. if i had to be, i could be and i would be okay doing it. she is my home and my heart and i know my place as her daughter. My mother has knowledge i haven’t met yet and i have lots to learn from her but i know if i needed an answer i could find it with her. if i didn’t know my place as my mothers daughter i wouldn’t respect her the way i really respect, honor and love her.

my nieces and nephews, ive never been so proud of these wonderful people who i got to see grow up into amazing creatures. creatures because they are all kinda weird. For them i am a place of security, If they ever needed my help i would do whatever i can do help them. i am a place for them to come release their feelings without judgment and with only love and support. i will not over step their parents boundaries or encourage them to take a route that would anger anyone. i would only hope they make the best decisions that make them happy.

There are other things that can be said about me from other people whom dont like me but ive never done anything to anyone out of spite or jealousy. i have never had intentions for a married, or taken man and i have never tried to ruin friendships over jealousy or to spite. i do my best not to hurt anyone but i will not stand still if i am treated unfair.

There are versions of me but i believe in mine.

tell me your version of you!? i want to hear.

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